I couldn't stop my fingers

I sent two nasty emails today.  One to Monica that read:  He is all yours.  Good luck.

The second was to my cheating husband:  Stay away from me for a while or I will be calling Mr. B (Monica's husband) and spilling all your S*#$.  How dare you continue to have contact with her all this time.  We are married, does that mean anything to you?  You and Monica can go get f@*#ed.

Am I proud?  No.  Do I feel better?  Yes.

My mom keeps asking me when I was going to start getting angry.  Today I started.

Cheating husband is accusing me of simplifying this mess down to one issue (his cheating).  Hell yes!  If he hadn't cheated, had stayed focused on THIS family, we wouldn't be sitting in this spot right now.

Four years ago rather than looking for other women to have a "connection" with, he should have looked at himself and how he could fix things at home.  Then tell me that if things didn't change, he didn't want to be married to me.  I can't guarantee I could have solved it all or made him happy, but at least he could have given me the chance before he started seeing someone else.

So many emotions are inside of me the past few weeks: rage, anger, revenge, sadness, betrayal, self-pity.  I feel like this is about as bad as this can get.  If I can make it through the next 90 or so days, part of my life will be easier and part of it will be forever harder.

I am very blessed to have the complete support and backing of my family and closest friends.  I know that they will not let us go hungry or become homeless.  I know that they will provide what they can so that the boys can maintain as much of their normal activities as possible.

I am looking for jobs every day.  I know that I can hold off until fall when school starts but I need to be on lookout now.

Juggling preschool, kindergarten and elementary schedules is not going to be easy.

I hate that cheating husband has taken away my ability to be a stay at home mom.

Start of New Arrangements

Today will be the first "official" visit where Sam picks up the kids after work and returns them prior to bedtime.  It is an hour away and I already have butterflies.

Last night he unexpectedly stopped (he still has garage door opener) to pick up more clothes.  It wasn't pretty.  I had a discussion with almost 8 year old about understanding why dad didn't live here anymore.  I was not in a good place because of having it. 

Sam asked me casually, "so what are your birthday weekend plans?"  "Birthday plans!" I balled and yelled at same time.  "You are leaving me, I don't have any grand plans for my 39th birthday!"  And I walked outside.

He treats this so casually.  Like we can all be great friends. Him, me, family members, friends, Monica, whoever else may be involved with this family.

When I checked the bedroom where he is still storing stuff until he gets a place, I saw that he had taken sheets off bed to wash, folded up all blankets, put towels in clothes hamper.  I had to wonder, did he feel sad it was his last night sleeping in the first home he ever bought? 

He is just walking away from it all.....home, family, friends, security.  To find this unknown and unseen happiness that has alluded him for 20 years.  I wish him the best of luck.  I am very sorry he put his kids second place to his own selfishness to be "happy".  Who is happy?  Really?  Life is hard, we have to work, we have to pay bills, we get sick, kids have problems in school, family relationships get strained.  Life isn't easy for anyone.  But it seems this anyone who used to love me is walking away from a pretty damn good life.

Journal Backtrack 2012

November 15, 2012

I want Sam out of my life forever.  He doesn’t want to be near me or involved in my life, why should I do anything for him?  I made a move on him 2 months ago in the shower and then when it was over we did not speak about it.  He acted like nothing happened.  We’ve had sex twice in the last year and 3 months and that is because I initiated it.  He doesn’t want anything to do with me.  He says it is because for years he tried to talk to me and get a deep connection between us and it never happened.  So he shut off that part of his psyche.  Or he started looking for other women, whatever, right?  So for the last 3 1/2 years he has pulled away and completely distanced himself from me.  I hate him for it.

Why should I live with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?  Someone who doesn’t want to be loved or in love with me?  Kids, I have tried.  I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years off and on in counseling for help.  I’ve apologized to him at least 100 times for my past wrongdoings.  I have tried to explain that I’ve always loved him.  None of it has made a difference.  I am sorry.  Sorry that one day I will leave him or he will leave me and you will have your lives changed forever.  I can’t do this anymore.  I have never been so disheartened and enveloped in darkness in my life.

Tonight he comes home to yell at the kids for being loud or not listening or being naughty and patiently waits until it is time for them to go to bed.  Then he can get on his f*ing world of warcraft and play it until 2 a.m.  The kids don’t like him because he is not emotionally invested in their lives.  He doesn’t get excited about anything they tell him.  He doesn’t do special things with them individually or collectively.  I don’t consider making popcorn and turning on a movie a special thing. 

Journal Backtrack 2012

September 19, 2012

I love my kids with every part of my being.  They are my life.  I pray for their safety and happiness and success.

I have a tug at my heart that I was not able to have another child due to the state of the marriage. I know that another child was meant to come to me.

Journal Backtrack 2011

January 31, 2011

What do you do when your heart is broken into a million pieces?  In my case, have a mini-nervous breakdown between midnight and 2:30 a.m.  Sam has destroyed me.  I want to hate him, but I don’t.  I want to have the courage to do what is best for me, but I don’t.  I don’t know what is best for my kids anymore.  I hate being in this mess.

6 weeks in

May 5th-date I asked husband to move downstairs. Since then it has been a roller-coaster.

Although he is the one who cheated on me, he wants to file for divorce.  I told him to do it-that I wasn't going to. We've split assets/debts, settled on alimony/custody.

He has moved in with family.

I am in a house that I don't know how I can afford it.

I do not have a job.

I have three little boys who mean the world to me.

What do you do when your marriage is failing?

I've been married for 15 years this month. Things have turned from fine, to ok, to unbearable. My husband doesn't want to be near me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He accused me of "cutting him off" because I didn't like a life-changing decision he has made that affects me and the kids. He is jaded and cynical and breaking my heart. We are in counseling. So far, it hasn't helped. I have no plan for where I would go, how I would support 3 kids 4 and under, how I would survive and it scares me to death that he is going to ask for a divorce within the next 6 months.

Blah

It is the January blahs. Although we haven't had any snow to speak of, I am still feeling it. Short tempered with kids, pent up in the house all day, nowhere fun to go, clothes that are too tight, the list goes on and on. And a marriage that is in a serious rough patch on top of it all. At least when February rolls around I can sense that spring will be upon us sooner rather than later.

Cowboy boots

Why do little boys (the 5 and under crowd) look so adorable in cowboy boots! I've just decided all of my boys need a pair!

Changes coming

I need an outlet. Maybe blogging will be it? I have a family blog which I love doing. Lately I've needed more. I don't want to be too personal on the family one, after all it is about the entire family. So this will be where I can be as personal as I want without fear of what my family or friends may think of me. I am a 35 year old woman. I am currently married and have 3 young sons. My world revolves around them. I am trying to change that starting in 2010. I need to do things for myself. I need to be me, not just mommy.
So here it starts.......