Saturday night alone:
Ran errands. Had leftovers for dinner. Needed a movie.
I ran to redbox and decided to check out Flight with Denzel Washington. I love action movies and Denzel Washington is pretty easy on the eyes. The DVD was out but it was available on Blue-Ray.
This shouldn't have been a problem. I have a DVD player in my room but there is a Blue-Ray player in the family room, or so I thought.
I took the movie downstairs and popped it in. No go. When cheater husband was packing his belongings he failed to mention that he was taking the Blue-Ray player. It is fine, I gave it to him for Christmas last year. I was just perturbed that I found out it was gone at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. He was considerate enough to set up the old DVD player that we used before we got the Blue-Ray and I hadn't noticed anything was different until tonight, when I tried to use it for a Blue-Ray.
I am sure this is just the first of 200 things that I will find don't take up space in my home anymore.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
First Weekend Alone
My three loud, fun, crazy boys have left to spend the weekend with their father. He is living with his sister and her family until he can afford to get a place of his own. Which when he whined about that my response was, "not my problem. you want a divorce." But I digress....
When the door shut and I had waved until they were down the street I sat down in the quiet and tried not to cry. Yes this is needed for me and for them. It is incredibly hard to be the only caregiver except for a few hours a week when he shows up to see them. However, it doesn't change the fact that I would keep them close to me and shielded from these changes forever if I could.
I sat for a while. Then I needed to leave the house. A recently single friend told me that every Friday night when her STBX takes the kids, she gets a sandwich from Jimmy John's and a Redbox and sits in her bed eating and watching one movie, sometimes two if she is feeling crazy! :)
So I went to get my Jimmy John's. Then decided rather than a movie I could catch up on Mad Men on Amazon Prime. So once my sandwich is eaten I will hide in my bedroom with a huge Diet Coke and Don Draper to make me feel better.
Then I may just need to take 1/2 of a tranquilizer that my mom gave me so that I don't cry myself to sleep tonight alone in this quiet, quiet house.
My heart goes out to women everywhere who are experiencing separation and divorce. Nothing can prepare you for it.
When the door shut and I had waved until they were down the street I sat down in the quiet and tried not to cry. Yes this is needed for me and for them. It is incredibly hard to be the only caregiver except for a few hours a week when he shows up to see them. However, it doesn't change the fact that I would keep them close to me and shielded from these changes forever if I could.
I sat for a while. Then I needed to leave the house. A recently single friend told me that every Friday night when her STBX takes the kids, she gets a sandwich from Jimmy John's and a Redbox and sits in her bed eating and watching one movie, sometimes two if she is feeling crazy! :)
So I went to get my Jimmy John's. Then decided rather than a movie I could catch up on Mad Men on Amazon Prime. So once my sandwich is eaten I will hide in my bedroom with a huge Diet Coke and Don Draper to make me feel better.
Then I may just need to take 1/2 of a tranquilizer that my mom gave me so that I don't cry myself to sleep tonight alone in this quiet, quiet house.
My heart goes out to women everywhere who are experiencing separation and divorce. Nothing can prepare you for it.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sweet Karma
Today cheating husband called and left a voicemail message. His car (our paid for clunker) had finally died. He had it towed to a shop and they estimated $6,000.00 to put in a new engine. The car is a 2001 Corolla and literally worth a few hundred dollars.
Cheating husband wanted to know where the title was so that he could sell the car for scrap.
I have laughed about it all evening!
Cheating husband wanted to know where the title was so that he could sell the car for scrap.
I have laughed about it all evening!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I couldn't stop my fingers
I sent two nasty emails today. One to Monica that read: He is all yours. Good luck.
The second was to my cheating husband: Stay away from me for a while or I will be calling Mr. B (Monica's husband) and spilling all your S*#$. How dare you continue to have contact with her all this time. We are married, does that mean anything to you? You and Monica can go get f@*#ed.
Am I proud? No. Do I feel better? Yes.
My mom keeps asking me when I was going to start getting angry. Today I started.
Cheating husband is accusing me of simplifying this mess down to one issue (his cheating). Hell yes! If he hadn't cheated, had stayed focused on THIS family, we wouldn't be sitting in this spot right now.
Four years ago rather than looking for other women to have a "connection" with, he should have looked at himself and how he could fix things at home. Then tell me that if things didn't change, he didn't want to be married to me. I can't guarantee I could have solved it all or made him happy, but at least he could have given me the chance before he started seeing someone else.
So many emotions are inside of me the past few weeks: rage, anger, revenge, sadness, betrayal, self-pity. I feel like this is about as bad as this can get. If I can make it through the next 90 or so days, part of my life will be easier and part of it will be forever harder.
I am very blessed to have the complete support and backing of my family and closest friends. I know that they will not let us go hungry or become homeless. I know that they will provide what they can so that the boys can maintain as much of their normal activities as possible.
I am looking for jobs every day. I know that I can hold off until fall when school starts but I need to be on lookout now.
Juggling preschool, kindergarten and elementary schedules is not going to be easy.
I hate that cheating husband has taken away my ability to be a stay at home mom.
The second was to my cheating husband: Stay away from me for a while or I will be calling Mr. B (Monica's husband) and spilling all your S*#$. How dare you continue to have contact with her all this time. We are married, does that mean anything to you? You and Monica can go get f@*#ed.
Am I proud? No. Do I feel better? Yes.
My mom keeps asking me when I was going to start getting angry. Today I started.
Cheating husband is accusing me of simplifying this mess down to one issue (his cheating). Hell yes! If he hadn't cheated, had stayed focused on THIS family, we wouldn't be sitting in this spot right now.
Four years ago rather than looking for other women to have a "connection" with, he should have looked at himself and how he could fix things at home. Then tell me that if things didn't change, he didn't want to be married to me. I can't guarantee I could have solved it all or made him happy, but at least he could have given me the chance before he started seeing someone else.
So many emotions are inside of me the past few weeks: rage, anger, revenge, sadness, betrayal, self-pity. I feel like this is about as bad as this can get. If I can make it through the next 90 or so days, part of my life will be easier and part of it will be forever harder.
I am very blessed to have the complete support and backing of my family and closest friends. I know that they will not let us go hungry or become homeless. I know that they will provide what they can so that the boys can maintain as much of their normal activities as possible.
I am looking for jobs every day. I know that I can hold off until fall when school starts but I need to be on lookout now.
Juggling preschool, kindergarten and elementary schedules is not going to be easy.
I hate that cheating husband has taken away my ability to be a stay at home mom.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Start of New Arrangements
Today will be the first "official" visit where Sam picks up the kids after work and returns them prior to bedtime. It is an hour away and I already have butterflies.
Last night he unexpectedly stopped (he still has garage door opener) to pick up more clothes. It wasn't pretty. I had a discussion with almost 8 year old about understanding why dad didn't live here anymore. I was not in a good place because of having it.
Sam asked me casually, "so what are your birthday weekend plans?" "Birthday plans!" I balled and yelled at same time. "You are leaving me, I don't have any grand plans for my 39th birthday!" And I walked outside.
He treats this so casually. Like we can all be great friends. Him, me, family members, friends, Monica, whoever else may be involved with this family.
When I checked the bedroom where he is still storing stuff until he gets a place, I saw that he had taken sheets off bed to wash, folded up all blankets, put towels in clothes hamper. I had to wonder, did he feel sad it was his last night sleeping in the first home he ever bought?
He is just walking away from it all.....home, family, friends, security. To find this unknown and unseen happiness that has alluded him for 20 years. I wish him the best of luck. I am very sorry he put his kids second place to his own selfishness to be "happy". Who is happy? Really? Life is hard, we have to work, we have to pay bills, we get sick, kids have problems in school, family relationships get strained. Life isn't easy for anyone. But it seems this anyone who used to love me is walking away from a pretty damn good life.
Last night he unexpectedly stopped (he still has garage door opener) to pick up more clothes. It wasn't pretty. I had a discussion with almost 8 year old about understanding why dad didn't live here anymore. I was not in a good place because of having it.
Sam asked me casually, "so what are your birthday weekend plans?" "Birthday plans!" I balled and yelled at same time. "You are leaving me, I don't have any grand plans for my 39th birthday!" And I walked outside.
He treats this so casually. Like we can all be great friends. Him, me, family members, friends, Monica, whoever else may be involved with this family.
When I checked the bedroom where he is still storing stuff until he gets a place, I saw that he had taken sheets off bed to wash, folded up all blankets, put towels in clothes hamper. I had to wonder, did he feel sad it was his last night sleeping in the first home he ever bought?
He is just walking away from it all.....home, family, friends, security. To find this unknown and unseen happiness that has alluded him for 20 years. I wish him the best of luck. I am very sorry he put his kids second place to his own selfishness to be "happy". Who is happy? Really? Life is hard, we have to work, we have to pay bills, we get sick, kids have problems in school, family relationships get strained. Life isn't easy for anyone. But it seems this anyone who used to love me is walking away from a pretty damn good life.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Journal Backtrack 2013
February 16, 2013
Caught Sam today. Still having an online relationship with Monica. I used his ipad. Went to check my facebook and he had monica’s name and password entered into facebook. I left the house. I later confronted him and he said she gave him access so that he could look at her photos. Then he said he wanted to see her marathon, then he said he just "needed closure". I took the kids to hotel for weekend. My 18th anniversary weekend.....
So how long has he been in contact with her?
Did the contact ever end after their affair in December of 2010?
Does her husband know yet? Is she still married?
Caught Sam today. Still having an online relationship with Monica. I used his ipad. Went to check my facebook and he had monica’s name and password entered into facebook. I left the house. I later confronted him and he said she gave him access so that he could look at her photos. Then he said he wanted to see her marathon, then he said he just "needed closure". I took the kids to hotel for weekend. My 18th anniversary weekend.....
So how long has he been in contact with her?
Did the contact ever end after their affair in December of 2010?
Does her husband know yet? Is she still married?
Journal Backtrack 2012
November 15, 2012
I want Sam out of my life forever. He doesn’t want to be near me or involved in my life, why should I do anything for him? I made a move on him 2 months ago in the shower and then when it was over we did not speak about it. He acted like nothing happened. We’ve had sex twice in the last year and 3 months and that is because I initiated it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He says it is because for years he tried to talk to me and get a deep connection between us and it never happened. So he shut off that part of his psyche. Or he started looking for other women, whatever, right? So for the last 3 1/2 years he has pulled away and completely distanced himself from me. I hate him for it.
Why should I live with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Someone who doesn’t want to be loved or in love with me? Kids, I have tried. I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years off and on in counseling for help. I’ve apologized to him at least 100 times for my past wrongdoings. I have tried to explain that I’ve always loved him. None of it has made a difference. I am sorry. Sorry that one day I will leave him or he will leave me and you will have your lives changed forever. I can’t do this anymore. I have never been so disheartened and enveloped in darkness in my life.
Tonight he comes home to yell at the kids for being loud or not listening or being naughty and patiently waits until it is time for them to go to bed. Then he can get on his f*ing world of warcraft and play it until 2 a.m. The kids don’t like him because he is not emotionally invested in their lives. He doesn’t get excited about anything they tell him. He doesn’t do special things with them individually or collectively. I don’t consider making popcorn and turning on a movie a special thing.
I want Sam out of my life forever. He doesn’t want to be near me or involved in my life, why should I do anything for him? I made a move on him 2 months ago in the shower and then when it was over we did not speak about it. He acted like nothing happened. We’ve had sex twice in the last year and 3 months and that is because I initiated it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He says it is because for years he tried to talk to me and get a deep connection between us and it never happened. So he shut off that part of his psyche. Or he started looking for other women, whatever, right? So for the last 3 1/2 years he has pulled away and completely distanced himself from me. I hate him for it.
Why should I live with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Someone who doesn’t want to be loved or in love with me? Kids, I have tried. I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years off and on in counseling for help. I’ve apologized to him at least 100 times for my past wrongdoings. I have tried to explain that I’ve always loved him. None of it has made a difference. I am sorry. Sorry that one day I will leave him or he will leave me and you will have your lives changed forever. I can’t do this anymore. I have never been so disheartened and enveloped in darkness in my life.
Tonight he comes home to yell at the kids for being loud or not listening or being naughty and patiently waits until it is time for them to go to bed. Then he can get on his f*ing world of warcraft and play it until 2 a.m. The kids don’t like him because he is not emotionally invested in their lives. He doesn’t get excited about anything they tell him. He doesn’t do special things with them individually or collectively. I don’t consider making popcorn and turning on a movie a special thing.
Journal Backtrack 2012
September 19, 2012
I love my kids with every part of my being. They are my life. I pray for their safety and happiness and success.
I have a tug at my heart that I was not able to have another child due to the state of the marriage. I know that another child was meant to come to me.
I love my kids with every part of my being. They are my life. I pray for their safety and happiness and success.
I have a tug at my heart that I was not able to have another child due to the state of the marriage. I know that another child was meant to come to me.
Journal Backtrack 2011
May 4, 2011
Still holding on for dear life.....Nothing has gotten better or worse.
Still holding on for dear life.....Nothing has gotten better or worse.
Journal Backtrack 2011
February 17, 2011
Well, I believe I’ve finally given Sam the ultimatum that will get him off the fence one way or another. This morning I told him that he needs to be in the marriage or out. That he is hurting me too much with the way it is right now. He asked if we can talk tonight. The thing that kills me about Sam is that after 12,13 years he said his love for me started to fade. Now he doesn’t love me, won’t say it, won’t be physical with me, keeps his distance. He is living in the house and helping with the kids at night and smiling and nodding, but gone emotionally from the marriage.
How much more can I take? He continues to hurt me on a daily basis with his indecisiveness. Yes, divorce scares me to death. Moving, getting a decent job, raising the kids basically alone 24/7, all of it is frightening. Not having a person there who has my back, someone to talk to at night, spend time watching shows with, eating good food with.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. I am petrified that the evening before my anniversary my husband is going to say he is done with it all.
It really sucks that one person can make a decision to change another persons life completely. And now that is the exact situation that I find myself in. I hate it. I’ve never felt so alone and hopeless in my entire life.
Well, I believe I’ve finally given Sam the ultimatum that will get him off the fence one way or another. This morning I told him that he needs to be in the marriage or out. That he is hurting me too much with the way it is right now. He asked if we can talk tonight. The thing that kills me about Sam is that after 12,13 years he said his love for me started to fade. Now he doesn’t love me, won’t say it, won’t be physical with me, keeps his distance. He is living in the house and helping with the kids at night and smiling and nodding, but gone emotionally from the marriage.
How much more can I take? He continues to hurt me on a daily basis with his indecisiveness. Yes, divorce scares me to death. Moving, getting a decent job, raising the kids basically alone 24/7, all of it is frightening. Not having a person there who has my back, someone to talk to at night, spend time watching shows with, eating good food with.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. I am petrified that the evening before my anniversary my husband is going to say he is done with it all.
It really sucks that one person can make a decision to change another persons life completely. And now that is the exact situation that I find myself in. I hate it. I’ve never felt so alone and hopeless in my entire life.
Journal Backtrack 2011
January 31, 2011
What do you do when your heart is broken into a million pieces? In my case, have a mini-nervous breakdown between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Sam has destroyed me. I want to hate him, but I don’t. I want to have the courage to do what is best for me, but I don’t. I don’t know what is best for my kids anymore. I hate being in this mess.
What do you do when your heart is broken into a million pieces? In my case, have a mini-nervous breakdown between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Sam has destroyed me. I want to hate him, but I don’t. I want to have the courage to do what is best for me, but I don’t. I don’t know what is best for my kids anymore. I hate being in this mess.
Journal Backtrack 2010
December 29, 2010
Things are still very very difficult. Sam has made some terrible decisions and done some really bad things. He stayed with his best friend for a week and a half and then I let him come home. Probably earlier then he deserved to, but Christmas was coming.....
Things are still very very difficult. Sam has made some terrible decisions and done some really bad things. He stayed with his best friend for a week and a half and then I let him come home. Probably earlier then he deserved to, but Christmas was coming.....
Journal Backtrack 2010
September 14, 2010
Me: why won’t you tell me you love me?
Sam: It has been a tough year. I don’t know where I’m at.
This is why my self-esteem is at zero. I wish I had $10,000.00 in the bank, I’d be gone. Wish the kids were all in school, I’d be gone. Wish I’d never married him.
Me: why won’t you tell me you love me?
Sam: It has been a tough year. I don’t know where I’m at.
This is why my self-esteem is at zero. I wish I had $10,000.00 in the bank, I’d be gone. Wish the kids were all in school, I’d be gone. Wish I’d never married him.
Journal Backtrack 2010
July 18, 2010
Sam and I are in counseling. We’ve met once with S.D. as a couple and we’ve both gone alone. I like the counselor. Hopefully she’ll find out our underlying issues and help us. Last night when we went to bed Sam said to me, “I feel like a part of us died a long time ago”. Things like that that he says to me, crush me. I know he doesn’t love me as he used to. He won’t tell me he loves me, he says I am more committed to fixing the marriage then he is. It breaks my heart and my self-esteem. I pray things turn around, I don’t like the alternative.
Sam and I are in counseling. We’ve met once with S.D. as a couple and we’ve both gone alone. I like the counselor. Hopefully she’ll find out our underlying issues and help us. Last night when we went to bed Sam said to me, “I feel like a part of us died a long time ago”. Things like that that he says to me, crush me. I know he doesn’t love me as he used to. He won’t tell me he loves me, he says I am more committed to fixing the marriage then he is. It breaks my heart and my self-esteem. I pray things turn around, I don’t like the alternative.
Journal Backtrack 2010
July 2, 2010
I’m in a house full of noise and laughter and play and I’ve never felt so entirely alone and isolated. I think Sam has moved on emotionally and I don’t think I’ll get him back. I’m not ready to go it alone.
I’m in a house full of noise and laughter and play and I’ve never felt so entirely alone and isolated. I think Sam has moved on emotionally and I don’t think I’ll get him back. I’m not ready to go it alone.
Journal Backtrack 2010
July 1, 2010
1st Nephi 17:13 ‘And I will also be your light in the wilderness’
1st Nephi 17:13 ‘And I will also be your light in the wilderness’
6 weeks in
May 5th-date I asked husband to move downstairs. Since then it has been a roller-coaster.
Although he is the one who cheated on me, he wants to file for divorce. I told him to do it-that I wasn't going to. We've split assets/debts, settled on alimony/custody.
He has moved in with family.
I am in a house that I don't know how I can afford it.
I do not have a job.
I have three little boys who mean the world to me.
Although he is the one who cheated on me, he wants to file for divorce. I told him to do it-that I wasn't going to. We've split assets/debts, settled on alimony/custody.
He has moved in with family.
I am in a house that I don't know how I can afford it.
I do not have a job.
I have three little boys who mean the world to me.
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