February 16, 2013
Caught Sam today. Still having an online relationship with Monica. I used his ipad. Went to check my facebook and he had monica’s name and password entered into facebook. I left the house. I later confronted him and he said she gave him access so that he could look at her photos. Then he said he wanted to see her marathon, then he said he just "needed closure". I took the kids to hotel for weekend. My 18th anniversary weekend.....
So how long has he been in contact with her?
Did the contact ever end after their affair in December of 2010?
Does her husband know yet? Is she still married?
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Journal Backtrack 2012
November 15, 2012
I want Sam out of my life forever. He doesn’t want to be near me or involved in my life, why should I do anything for him? I made a move on him 2 months ago in the shower and then when it was over we did not speak about it. He acted like nothing happened. We’ve had sex twice in the last year and 3 months and that is because I initiated it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He says it is because for years he tried to talk to me and get a deep connection between us and it never happened. So he shut off that part of his psyche. Or he started looking for other women, whatever, right? So for the last 3 1/2 years he has pulled away and completely distanced himself from me. I hate him for it.
Why should I live with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Someone who doesn’t want to be loved or in love with me? Kids, I have tried. I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years off and on in counseling for help. I’ve apologized to him at least 100 times for my past wrongdoings. I have tried to explain that I’ve always loved him. None of it has made a difference. I am sorry. Sorry that one day I will leave him or he will leave me and you will have your lives changed forever. I can’t do this anymore. I have never been so disheartened and enveloped in darkness in my life.
Tonight he comes home to yell at the kids for being loud or not listening or being naughty and patiently waits until it is time for them to go to bed. Then he can get on his f*ing world of warcraft and play it until 2 a.m. The kids don’t like him because he is not emotionally invested in their lives. He doesn’t get excited about anything they tell him. He doesn’t do special things with them individually or collectively. I don’t consider making popcorn and turning on a movie a special thing.
I want Sam out of my life forever. He doesn’t want to be near me or involved in my life, why should I do anything for him? I made a move on him 2 months ago in the shower and then when it was over we did not speak about it. He acted like nothing happened. We’ve had sex twice in the last year and 3 months and that is because I initiated it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He says it is because for years he tried to talk to me and get a deep connection between us and it never happened. So he shut off that part of his psyche. Or he started looking for other women, whatever, right? So for the last 3 1/2 years he has pulled away and completely distanced himself from me. I hate him for it.
Why should I live with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Someone who doesn’t want to be loved or in love with me? Kids, I have tried. I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years off and on in counseling for help. I’ve apologized to him at least 100 times for my past wrongdoings. I have tried to explain that I’ve always loved him. None of it has made a difference. I am sorry. Sorry that one day I will leave him or he will leave me and you will have your lives changed forever. I can’t do this anymore. I have never been so disheartened and enveloped in darkness in my life.
Tonight he comes home to yell at the kids for being loud or not listening or being naughty and patiently waits until it is time for them to go to bed. Then he can get on his f*ing world of warcraft and play it until 2 a.m. The kids don’t like him because he is not emotionally invested in their lives. He doesn’t get excited about anything they tell him. He doesn’t do special things with them individually or collectively. I don’t consider making popcorn and turning on a movie a special thing.
Journal Backtrack 2012
September 19, 2012
I love my kids with every part of my being. They are my life. I pray for their safety and happiness and success.
I have a tug at my heart that I was not able to have another child due to the state of the marriage. I know that another child was meant to come to me.
I love my kids with every part of my being. They are my life. I pray for their safety and happiness and success.
I have a tug at my heart that I was not able to have another child due to the state of the marriage. I know that another child was meant to come to me.
Journal Backtrack 2011
May 4, 2011
Still holding on for dear life.....Nothing has gotten better or worse.
Still holding on for dear life.....Nothing has gotten better or worse.
Journal Backtrack 2011
February 17, 2011
Well, I believe I’ve finally given Sam the ultimatum that will get him off the fence one way or another. This morning I told him that he needs to be in the marriage or out. That he is hurting me too much with the way it is right now. He asked if we can talk tonight. The thing that kills me about Sam is that after 12,13 years he said his love for me started to fade. Now he doesn’t love me, won’t say it, won’t be physical with me, keeps his distance. He is living in the house and helping with the kids at night and smiling and nodding, but gone emotionally from the marriage.
How much more can I take? He continues to hurt me on a daily basis with his indecisiveness. Yes, divorce scares me to death. Moving, getting a decent job, raising the kids basically alone 24/7, all of it is frightening. Not having a person there who has my back, someone to talk to at night, spend time watching shows with, eating good food with.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. I am petrified that the evening before my anniversary my husband is going to say he is done with it all.
It really sucks that one person can make a decision to change another persons life completely. And now that is the exact situation that I find myself in. I hate it. I’ve never felt so alone and hopeless in my entire life.
Well, I believe I’ve finally given Sam the ultimatum that will get him off the fence one way or another. This morning I told him that he needs to be in the marriage or out. That he is hurting me too much with the way it is right now. He asked if we can talk tonight. The thing that kills me about Sam is that after 12,13 years he said his love for me started to fade. Now he doesn’t love me, won’t say it, won’t be physical with me, keeps his distance. He is living in the house and helping with the kids at night and smiling and nodding, but gone emotionally from the marriage.
How much more can I take? He continues to hurt me on a daily basis with his indecisiveness. Yes, divorce scares me to death. Moving, getting a decent job, raising the kids basically alone 24/7, all of it is frightening. Not having a person there who has my back, someone to talk to at night, spend time watching shows with, eating good food with.
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. I am petrified that the evening before my anniversary my husband is going to say he is done with it all.
It really sucks that one person can make a decision to change another persons life completely. And now that is the exact situation that I find myself in. I hate it. I’ve never felt so alone and hopeless in my entire life.
Journal Backtrack 2011
January 31, 2011
What do you do when your heart is broken into a million pieces? In my case, have a mini-nervous breakdown between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Sam has destroyed me. I want to hate him, but I don’t. I want to have the courage to do what is best for me, but I don’t. I don’t know what is best for my kids anymore. I hate being in this mess.
What do you do when your heart is broken into a million pieces? In my case, have a mini-nervous breakdown between midnight and 2:30 a.m. Sam has destroyed me. I want to hate him, but I don’t. I want to have the courage to do what is best for me, but I don’t. I don’t know what is best for my kids anymore. I hate being in this mess.
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